2022

It's not officially over yet so may be more to come… but if I could sum up a year with a photo it would be this one… laughing thru the rain… 

There has been a lot of "rain" this year. For me it was frustrating to throw my back out, with first a bulging disc, then a herniated disc. spend months in pt and then an epidural injection and finally feel like I could trust my body not to break.   But it was also a time I finally focused on myself. I got my nutrition coaching certification from NASM and have been trying to implement my learning in our home and will start branching out in 2023. It's been interesting! Haha.  

For talia it began her senior year. Lots of stress and anticipation. Heart ache, friendships formed, moving forward and looking to the future. She's been accepted to byui and while it's exciting, it's also scary as she thinks of losing her room at our home, starting over with friends, earning money, and so much more. She has made it through a lot of storms this year and I am so grateful for her example. 

For Bergen I think he has not even noticed the rain. He is whitty and fun to be around. He has silently stressed but has worked hard. I think his summer was great with challenges and wiffleball. He tried tennis and did great and excelled in basketball. He survived his freshman year and started his sophomore year in mostly honors/AP classes. He still flies under the radar in school but I have been lucky enough to hear good things about him from teachers as friends

Tabitha started the year with her first club volleyball season. She hated it and we pushed her…and then she discovered a real love for it. She started with a new team this year and is super excited to keep learning. She has maintained first chair in trombones and low brass…and refuses to let anyone take her spot. She made her Uil play and did so great. We are all fans ! Tabitha has a large circle of friends and tries to please others. 7th grade has been a lot less stressful and we are grateful! 

Brooklyn also started the year playing club volleyball. She is playing with the same team this year and is getting pushed in her abilities. She improves every day and has big goals that include volleyball. She started middle school this year and has been able to find the sunshine when the clouds hang over. She is doing percussion like talia and works very hard to get better. She loves shoes and wishes she had a million dollars to buy them all. 

Anders started this year with baseball. He played football in the fall and had a great season. He just made a select baseball team in the area. If you ask him if he's any good at sports he will still shrug his shoulders and say "I don't know."  He works hard at everything he's asked to do. He gives it all. He recently made a part in his choir musical and we are excited to watch that in the spring. 

Svend continues to work so hard for our family! He continues to make time to attend all games he can and even some practices. He has been working on getting his speed and agility certification and uses the kids as Guinea pigs .he helped coach anders football team this year and survived the Texas heat for another torturous summer.  

This year has been a lot of sports, physical therapy, band, church, craziness and so much more. 

--

Jessica

Again

today I read Svend's text. One four letter word. He bought an r rated movie. Apparently it is suddenly okay if it is just be of killing. Bergen found the movie. Work is bad. Kate, the office manager is incompetent and the jackman's don't seem to care. We have 3 months til our contract is over. We were looking to buy. I really want to stay and it makes me sick to think of leaving but I can't do this and Svend's certainly can't. I am upset at God. I am upset that if we weren't meant to be in Texas, we could have at least been able to enjoy our little time here. I gave but Svend's has not which makes it hard for me to enjoy. I like my job. The kids have friends. I love having my parents close and so do the kids. I just wish things would actually work out for our good. Positive attitudes don't change the facts and I am getting tired of putting on a happy face and not feeling like its my fault we are even here.hope I can sleep.

why Brooklyn came {for} me

My Brooklyn. We have had our moments. Everyone has with her. But this sweet child…look in those eyes. This sweet child is here for me.  She was a surprise. She was not planned. She was the girl when I dreamed of a boy. She was 3 weeks early and demanded our attention as she stayed in the hospital for nearly a week. 

I have not been so happy with myself. Mostly my body. My body image is at a low. Not as low as after she was born, but still, just frustrated. I went to the dr. He even offered me meds. What? I declined. I need to figure out my body the right way. I  have really tried to teach my girls our bodies are gifts that help us and not to reject them or put ourselves down. But behind closed doors, I do.  My doctor, after listening to me, said "Jessica, why don't you just be the healthiest you that you can be? Stop looking for  a certain weight or size and just strive to be healthy. Stop looking for a timeline and just keep trying to feel good." 

A few days ago, Brooklyn opened my wallet and discovered my driver's license picture.  When I took the picture, I had been training for my triathlon and felt really good. When I saw the picture, my heart dropped as my face was chubbier than I noticed and it just didn't look like how I felt.  Now. when Brooklyn discovered this picture, here is what she said:

"[gasp!] MOM! Is this you? You look so beautiful! I never saw this picture before. Oh mom, [gushing] look at your hair! It. is. sooo pretty!  And look at you! Mom, I never ever saw this. You are so pretty. I just love you and I love this picture!"

She then stared at it for several minutes with a smile on her face and occasionally showed it to me, beaming.  

My mind went back to when I walked out of the bathroom in my triathlon clothes. The ones that show EVERY curve. She was the first to see me. Her response? " MOM! You look so cute!!"

She came to our home for me. She came for moments like these.  She came so that when I go behind closed doors, I can try to see what she sees.  She has given me a new set of eyes. She has given me the reason to "be the healthiest me that I can be."  It may not be the world's standards or what my friends look like, but if I could just see myself through her eyes, I know I could be healthier.  

If only we all could have a "Brooklyn" and see ourselves through her eyes, we'd all be healthier.  Not just in body, but mind and spirit.

Every time I think about this story I cry.  It has really truly touched me. She has touched me and I am so grateful I get to have Brooklyn. 

yesterday tally was two for two. First she compared me to a hippo... And then I can't remember the second one but it was close. Anyway, my kids think I am fat...like I thought my mom was fat. I cried.


today I was making smoothies for the kids for fhe. The girls were asking when they would be done and Bergen pipes up and says "does anyone think about what mom wants?" I really appreciated that. A lot.


Brooklyn has had a few boyfriends. Caleb and brinlyn. She says they love each other. she said when she is 18 she will marry Caleb BC he higs her and spins her around
she is so funny
she is the only one who has ever talked like this. Haha.


tally stood up to her nemesis today. I'm proud of her but told her to not be mean. Bergen pushed his and said "beat it" and the kid ran away. Again, I reminded him to not become the bully
Tabitha was sad. It was 50s day and since she didn't dress up, she didn't get to be in the picture. I felt bad for her. The teacher should have taken a pic of everyone... Especially since I was notified Sunday night!
my work is going good. I had all the kids with me last week and it was horrible. Today I had no kids and it was wonderful but with day light savings it was so dark coming home...it felt so late!


inlaws are coming for thanksgiving. I am excited. I still work but just at the same time and it will be fine.


things are good. We have our financial issues but we have our children. It hit me today that we are so blessed. There was a mother who lost her only 2 kids in a fire causes by her husband...he died too. How horribly heartbreaking. Their family wrote their testimony (they are not lds) and will still go on BC Jesus is with them. This has not been asked of our family and I pray it never is. We can deal with the money problems. We can get thru this. We are blessed and I am so grateful heavenly father let me see that today and share it with my husband. I was hoping we could see all that we have and not the have not's...this one was big and I am glad I was able to recognize it.

better

times have been tough. We've had lice and strep in the past 4 weeks. We've had stress and family intrusion.... Anyway, it hasn't been easy "living" with all these people I call my children and husband.


Svend and I had a fabulous talk a week or so ago. It truly was needed and helpful. It came because my oil hose burst in my car and suddenly we were faced with having to purchase a new car we can't afford... Thankfully, many prayers were answered and it was toyota's fault!
so, in that time , again, of financial stress, things came out. About selfishness, anger, frustration, family, etc. We went back 9 years in our talk. I sobbed. He spoke and told me how he really felt and why and I had a lot of chances to apologize. He did to. It was very needed and very good. And we cuddled and thought and shared all that really needed to be said. It was really hard. To get it all out-both of us. But I think we did and now we can move forward. Both on the same page. Knowing what we are both sorry about and why we were both so angry. Lots more understanding of eachother's views.


I am so grateful we talked. I am so grateful the spirit was there and could direct us. I love my husband. If I wanted to be single, I wouldn't be married. But I love being married and I log being married to him. And with that, we have to let each other in and buoy each other up and listen to each other more than outside sources.


after we talked, tally came I. She has been so hard lately and thinks we hate her. We don't. We love her so much. We had the chance to talk with her and cuddle with her and remind her how much we love her too and are so grateful she is a part of our family.

had to jump on before Anders is awake...

started coaching yesterday. got a job for metro-the team I swam for a coached for my senior year. Brent basically handed me money. i'm so grateful for my teenage self. seriously. that's what got me this job. I take 1.5 hours out of my day (including driving) and get about $30 per day, 500 per month working 4 days a week. what a blessing.

the hard part is the kids.  yesterday was day one. the little kids were at my parents and svend picked them up after work in oklahoma. he was not happy. granted, he had to drop his assistant off basically by our house and then drive BACK north to my parents--it was on his way home from durant. i'm a little annoyed about that…bc what else am i supposed to do with the kids? that's another pot of worms…

we had a talk about blessings last night. svend and i. i had asked him for a blessing before i accepted the job and he wouldn't give me one. seriously. very frustrated with him. last night i explained to him that that's not his choice. i shouldn't have to defend why i want a blessing and that i will go elsewhere…and then it gets my mind going that maybe he CAN'T give me a blessing…to which he responded that's not it. but lets be honest. I can't give myself a blessing. I can ask…but only he can give. I hope he realizes and changes in this. it is getting increasingly more and more frustrating for me. he is the priesthood leader in our home and he does such a good job at it, i just hope he can change his ideas on this one--that a blessing is only needed in times of dire circumstance.

brooklyn wore normal clothes to school today for picture day. i am thinking every day should be picture day!

Monday is tabitha's birthday. she wants a drum set. i wish baby girl!!! no room and no money for a legit one… hopefully we can still make her happy.  i'm so glad she is in our family. every morning she seeks me out for a hug. love love love it!

day 3 of working out for real…after my triathlon. go me.

someone in the other ward offered to sew for free a temple dress for someone who couldn't afford there own. mine if from my wedding and when I got pregnant with brooklyn and couldn't go to the temple, my mom gave me her old muumuu. yep….adn that's what i've had. I asked this lady…and she said yes! I'm soooo excited to get a new dress that fits me (even if I did have to give her my incredibly big measurements :(  )  I'm excited.

Blessings are all around us. I just wrote a blog post on my family blog about blessings of tithing-the above being one of them.  also my job… I'm grateful I have been given the gift to recognize most blessings and also the gift to recognize when someone else notices blessings I didn't.

My goals for my children this year are to teach them to pray and that prayer works….which include blessings by their father… :)

catch up

there has been so much to write and I haven't written! Ignore typos since I am writing with thumbs on my phone. Anders currently has the computer. It's labor day and we were out in the sun and he took a 6 hour nap! So while everyone was headed to bed, he was waking up!


my baby is 2. Seriously?! He is so cute. He's smart and a total stinker. Last week he stepped on my dress and smiled at me as I was stuck. He loves to wrestle and fight. On Thursday, me. Malejo gave him his own cord so he could feel like he was in capoiera. It was sooo cute!


life is hard. We are barely making it financially. we are in credit card debt by nearly 3k. I also owe about 1k in dental work. Yep, awesome. Life. My dad handed me some cash last week. Just for me. He knows I rarely spend any money on mr. I appreciate it. It's hard tho, to have a way to spy down some debts... But I need clothes! Seriously. And shoes. And make up would be really nice.


I have a job interview tomorrow as a swim coach at lifetime fitness. I asked my old coach for a reference and he offered me a job as well. I would LOVE to work for him more than anything...but if offered the lifetime job, I will have to take it. Daycare...family membership... Plus $$.... We'll see. I would love to work for Brent again, but that's more of a highschool job when you don't have a family to think about.


school is going well for the kids. It's nice to have the house a little bit...though it has been tough on Tabitha but she really does love it. Brook has struggled. Svend and I and her got blessings the Sunday before school... She really struggles with clothing and behavior and we were DYING!!! it has been okay. Last week she wore the same green dress every single day. The only difference was that she wore a different shirt and shorts under. She has a boy teacher and now I think its good BC he probably doesn't notice! She has also decided to go commando from now on 😔.... What can you do?!


there have been some break ins in our neighborhood recently... Last night someone just walked thru the garage and robbed the people of everything on their counters... Laptops, etc. And they were home!!!


grandma is in a nursing home and rehab center. She has not been doing well... A little dementia and a lot of weakness. I don't know how long we have with her. Maybe this is why we're in Texas right now? I don't know.it certainly isn't for the money! Ha. Ha. I love her. I am scared for when she leaves us...but I know she has been waiting a very long time to be with grandpa!


we are all stretching a growing here. The kids feel poor all the time-the older ones. It's just so hard to not have a tablet or phone like every other kid out here. I get it. I do. It's just the same conversation every single day! I have tried harder to sympathize with them...and it helps, but not enough. I feel badly for them, but feel they should earn it or get it for Christmas. They got allowance over the summer...and spent it on random things. I can't afford allowance any more and they aren't home anyway to help out...Nd they have capoiera...which we still have to find a way to pay for! Bleck. Bleck. Praying I get this job! It would be a blessing!!!